Attention, WalMart Shoppers
by sillybella
Summary: Edward has decided Bella needs protection. What kind ofprotection? The kind you can buy at Walmart. In the pharmacy.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

_Thanks to GenealogyGirl and LakeGirl for their major contributions to this story. Dedicated to the posters at the infamous Twilight Lexicon Vampire Mating thread._

_And thanks to Alphie for all the encouragement and the beta-reading! You rock!_

Edward has some shopping that Alice can't help him with. Ever been to Wal-Mart at two a.m.?

**_Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers_**

_(AKA: Packaging Pastries)_

by silly bella

_Oh, the humanity! If you can call it that._ I paused at the entrance into this new frontier. Wal-Mart. Of course, I'd never had any reason to visit one before. However, in this instance, the Port Angeles Wal-Mart seemed like the right choice. After all, Forks was a small town, and gossip would spread fast. I couldn't do that to Bella. It would be worse than the motorcycle when Charlie found out, and Charlie _would_ find out if I didn't leave Forks for this particular shopping expedition.

I walked through the store, trying to get my bearings as I began my quest. A woman with a serious expression wearing pajamas with little yellow ducks and fluffy bunny bedroom slippers shuffled past. It was two a.m., but still. Her cart was filled with Friskies cat food and a large package of men's socks. She looked at me and smiled. Did many people shop in their pajamas? I couldn't help but wonder.

Surprisingly few people populated the aisles. There were two men almost too drunk to think. One of them had on a shirt that said something about the 'crack of dawn' and showed woman exposing her rear because of some poorly fitted shorts. Although how shorts that tight could slide down someone's butt…The other one wore a shirt that stated 'a hard man is good to find' and mumbled something about beer and bait. I hung my head. Maybe this was a bad idea.

I checked out the department signs hanging from the ceiling. They had to have personal items somewhere. I wandered off to the left where I passed a tired, pale woman I could almost have mistaken for a vampire. _Poor kid._ _His dark circles look as bad as mine._ _I'll bet he can't sleep either._ Her cart was filled with a variety of bath salts with words like 'relax' and 'sleep' on the front label, a sleep mask and some frozen eclairs. She debated buying some Nyquil, thinking it might help her sleep. I felt sorry for her. At least I'd been able to sleep when I was human.

Just past the Nyquil, on the wall in the back of the pharmacy area, I discovered my Holy Grail. I took in the enormous display. Hot Rod. Lifestyles. Durex. Trojans. Ribbed. Studded. Flared. Mutual stimulation. Extra sensitive. Textured. Heat sensitive. Climax control. Flavored. Extra strength. Odor-masking. Lubricated. Non-lubricated. Spermicidal. _At least I can rule that out._ Latex. Polyurethane. Reservoir tip. Regular. Large. Extra-large. Speed-strip applicator. This might take longer than I thought. Of course, I couldn't believe I was here in the first place.

That one looks interesting. Hot Rod. It has a speed-strip applicator. What's that all about? I picked up the box. 'Put on a condom in one second flat.' It looked over-complicated. How much faster could this be than a regular condom? I figured since I was a vampire I already had the speed thing down, so I didn't need any speed-strip applicators. I decided to take a look at some of the others.

'Ultra ribbed._' _That sounded interesting. I traded boxes. 'Deeper ribs. Designed to increase stimulation. Golden transparent color.' What does color have to do with anything? What's this? Electronically tested to ensure reliability? How do you electronically test a condom? And if it's been tested, does that weaken it? I put that box down and picked up another.

Polyurethane. Hypoallergenic. Does Bella have allergies?

What about these?Extrasafe. What makes them extra safe?

Could this get any worse? And then I heard it.

_Check HIM out. _

She was stocking Preparation H. But she had turned to stare at me.

Maybe she knew something about condoms. It was a… delicate… topic. But she was an employee, so part of her job would be to answer questions. It wasn't like I was just walking up to any strange woman to ask about condoms. Ask her. I hesitated. I debated. Go ahead, ask her.

"Excuse me, miss. Perhaps you can help me," I said as I walked towards her with a box of Extrasafe Trojans in my hand.

_Is he talking to me? The hottie with the condoms? Does he really have a question?_ She smiled. A really big smile with shockingly white teeth for a human. _ I could help you in a lot of ways, honey. Just about any way you want._ With a coquettish move, she brushed her bleached blond hair behind her ear. "I'll do my best."

"Well," I started, unsure of how to pose my concerns. I read the name on her ID card. "Karyn, if I milked a rattlesnake into this condom, would it contain the venom safely?" I was mortified. She'd probably think I was insane.

She stared at me, her eyes vacant, for a brief moment. She didn't go the insane route. _Rattlesnake venom. Kinky. Wonder what that's supposed to do? _She raised her eyebrows. "I have no idea. Let me ask the manager." She turned abruptly and started down the aisle.

Kinky, huh. That was certainly an interpretation I'd never considered. I read some more condom packages while I waited for the manager's response.

_Rattlesnake venom. Must be some kind of frat joke._ That was probably the manager. _Whoah. HE needs help with condoms?_ "I can take care of this customer; you can go back to stocking."

"I was helping him," Karyn whined. _I had him first. You get all the hot customers._

Just what I needed, the two of them debating, drawing attention to me while I stood around in the condom section. As they slipped into an argument about which one could help me, I decided that this really was a bad idea. There had to be a better way. I placed the box of condoms in my hand back on the shelf and walked quickly and quietly out of the store.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

_Thanks to GenealogyGirl and LakeGirl for their major contributions to this story. Dedicated to the posters at the infamous Twilight Lexicon Vampire Mating thread._

_And thanks to Alphie for all the encouragement and the beta-reading! You rock!_

Edward has some shopping that Alice can't help him with. Ever been to Wal-Mart at two a.m.?

**_Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers_**

_(AKA: Packaging Pastries)_

by silly bella

"Emmett, I need your help with something." I had to face it; he was the only person in my house who might have _ever_ used latex condoms. The _only_ person who might really be able to help me. "Just get in the car. I'll explain when we get there." Nobody else needed to hear this. Emmett would give me enough trouble about it as it was.

He stared at me like I was a maniac. "Where are we going?"

"Port Angeles."

"Where in Port Angeles?"

"Wal-Mart." Don't ask. Don't ask. Please don't ask.

"Wal-Mart? You know Rose is going to kill me if I go to Wal-Mart, don't you? She hates that place."

I smiled. I felt better about this already. That was a bargaining chip that might cut down the ridicule. At least he'd have to stop in front of Rosalie… or anyone else who might slip and tell her. "Well, I won't tell her about this if you don't."

That seemed to satisfy him for a while. Then curiosity got the better of him. "Why are we going to Wal-Mart?"

"I need to buy something, and I'm just not exactly sure how to decide which…model to get," I explained. The Internet sites hadn't been much help. Oh, they had plenty of information reminding people not to flush condoms down the commode. They even had encouragement. 'When you buy condoms, don't get embarrassed. If anything, be proud.' There just wasn't anything that really helped me.

He raised his eyebrows. "Why me? Why not bring Alice? You know how she loves to shop." _You know, he looks awfully nervous for a shopping trip._

I frowned. "Alice can't help with this." I shook my head at the thought and parked the car. Emmett followed me cautiously into the store. At least I already knew where we were going. I led him directly to the great wall of condoms. "I knew you had some experience with this. I remember catching some of your human memories when you changed. Things you'd done that made you think you were going to hell." Emmett grinned as I continued. "There are so many. I don't know which kind to buy."

That's when Emmett really looked at the wall. His eyes opened wide. "Shit fire and save matches!" he gasped. You can take the boy out of Appalachia, but you can't take the Appalachia out of the boy. I held back a chuckle. Emmett's colorful phrases always made me laugh. Cursing wasn't enough for him. He had to add just a little something extra. The images his exclamations brought to mind. It took a little of the edge off.

The available variety seemed to surprise him as much as it surprised me. _I've never seen this many condoms! They used to keep them behind the counter at the drugstore so you had to ask for them. _I felt a little less humiliated.

"Ewww, man. What's this odor-masking stuff?" He made a face. "I mean, if the odor is that bad, does a guy really want to do anything that calls for a condom?"

"Not an issue," I murmured, a bit perturbed. Bella does not have an odor. Well, not the kind you need to mask. Come to think of it, it might be better if I could mask it, but it wasn't an odor. It was a smell. A sweet smell. A tempting smell. But not one a condom could mask.

He eyed the display once more, his gaze stopping briefly on a couple of items. "Not to pry, brother, but I might need to ask some personal questions. Like, say, if Bella is interested in anything…oral…those mint flavored ones there might be nice." He handed me the box.

Would she? I couldn't ask her to that, although it was a relatively safe option. I tried to banish the thought from my brain before I embarrassed myself more. It wasn't working. I _liked _the idea. I liked the idea a little too much, in fact. I sighed and slipped one hand in my pocket, trying to hide just how much I liked the idea.

"You don't need to worry about the spermicide. Or the hypoallergenic." He continued without looking at me.

"How do you know she's not allergic?" I hissed.

Emmett stared at me. He noticed my posture. _Edward's got a hard-on!_ He grinned but didn't say anything. Thank God. But somehow, I suspected I would pay for that silence later. "How often does she go to the ER for stitches?" He didn't pause for me to respond. "Latex gloves don't seem to cause her any problems, so latex condoms shouldn't. _That_ would severely limit your choices."

He made sense. I listened, a bit chagrined as his volume increased.

"Look at that one!" he almost shouted. "Heat sensitive! They heat up! Do you think Rose would like that? I might even need to get some of those!" _I couldn't tell her where I found them._

Emmett's exclamation had brought some more attention. _Omigod! He's back with a guy. The hottest ones are always gay._ Karyn had returned. _And they are both HOT! _She pulled out a cell phone. "Hey, that guy I called you about earlier. He's back. With another guy." She kept nodding. "Yeah, yeah, the one buying the condoms. They're both looking at condoms. Yeah, I figure they must be gay, but who cares? I can look, can't I? I just thought I'd give you the heads up. The view is worth the trip."

An audience. Great. Just great. I hung my head. This was where I would start paying. Emmett loved audiences almost as much as Rosalie. Emmett's backhand to my shoulder brought my attention back to him. "Seriously, Edward, You think Rosalie would like these heat sensitive ones?"

I rolled my eyes. He is _not_ asking me that question! "I try not to think about what Rosalie or anyone else in my family might enjoy in that context. You have no idea how difficult that is sometimes, being able to read your minds and hear you while you're having sex." At least that thought was helping with one issue. I could take my hand out of my pants now. I glanced at Karyn, whose attempts at surreptitiousness were failing miserably. Everything we said intrigued her more. "And could you tone down the volume?" I made a quick motion in her direction with my head. "That woman over there, the one who looks like Joy from _My Name is Earl_? She thinks we're lovers," I whispered. I hoped it would quiet him down.

Emmett turned to look. I hung my head. Could he be any more obvious? "You sure she thinks that? Why would she think that?"

"We're looking at condoms together. Maybe that gave her some ideas."

"Lighten up, brother." Emmett laughed. _This could be amusing._ He put his arm around me and whispered, "You know, this would be so much easier if you'd just change her."

I glared dolefully at him. "We are not discussing that topic."

_Well, if you want to be that way._ He rolled his eyes. In a louder voice, he said, "Ooooh, what about these fruit flavored ones? I'll bet they taste really good." He was having too much fun with this.

_It's so romantic. I'll bet they cook together, too._ She thought buying condoms as a couple was romantic?

"What about these Extrasafe ones?" I asked, changing the subject. Extrasafe sounded good. Safety was always a good thing where Bella was concerned. I held a box out for Emmett to take a look.

He raised his eyebrows and laughed under his breath. "They would be the only thing extra-safe about the two of you doing the deed. She's awfully breakable, you know. I'm not sure how a little bit of latex is going to help." He gave me a perplexed look.

"I'm worried that there might be some bleeding. Bleeding, venom, not a good combination," I explained. Bella, blood, vampire… not a good combination.

_He said something about venom again. What's up with the venom?_ Go away, Karyn. Watch some other shoppers.

"You know, all those bleeding virginal hymens are old wives tales. It's just a thin membrane: most women tear them long before they have sex," he assured me quietly.

"I've been to medical school, Emmett. I'm not entirely ignorant about the mechanics. That's not exactly what I'm worried about," I murmured. And I've lived in a house with three sexually active couples. Noisy sexually active couples. Whose minds I can read before, during and after sex.

He gave me a look of reproach and whispered. "What exactly are you thinking about doing with her, Edward?"

"Think about it, Emmett. Bella is tiny. She's a size two. I'm almost a foot taller than she is, and I am _not_ tiny." I scowled at him. "I suspect that some tearing is inevitable. Tearing. Bleeding. Venom. Not a good combination." I left out the dying and becoming a vampire part.

Emmett winced and nodded. "Isn't that going to make things more difficult for you? If she bleeds?"

"Right now, I'm not sure what's worse. I want her blood, but I've had some practice in dealing with abstention when it comes to blood – even hers." I lowered my head and let out a shuddering breath. "But I've never needed to abstain from sexual desires before. She's the first person I've ever wanted." Uh-oh. Things were starting up again. I shifted my stance. Maybe that wouldn't be so obvious.

He reached out to touch my shoulder in a gesture of solidarity. Karyn was nearby. _Oh. My. God. They are so sweet. Maybe they'd let me watch._

I sighed. "She wants to watch us have sex."

"You and Bella? How does she know about Bella?"

"You and me, Emmett. She wants to watch the two of us have sex."

"Really?" Emmett grinned. I knew I was in trouble. He reached for some florescent condoms. "These are so cool. They glow in the dark!" he exclaimed loudly.

"I mentioned that to you to get you to be quiet. Not to encourage you," I hissed. I really wanted to bang my head against the wall.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

_Dedicated to the posters at the infamous Twilight Lexicon Vampire Mating thread._

_Thanks to GenealogyGirl and LakeGirl for their major contributions to this story. Special thanks to the Lexicon chat members who helped Alice shop: Aeternis Sanguis, akissrenewed, bal, Basements, BrokenReverie, cath, Karalynn, Legolas, rennie.bear, SaM, and Y3nd0. Alice would have never filled her cart without you._

_And thanks to Alphie for all the encouragement and the beta-reading! You rock!_

Edward has some shopping that Alice can't help him with. Ever been to Wal-Mart at two a.m.?

**_Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers_**

_(AKA: Packaging Pastries)_

by silly bella

"You brought us to Wal-Mart? Wal-Mart?" Rosalie scowled. "How could you?"

Jasper grinned. I could tell he was happy enough just to see Rosalie's reaction. He had no idea what awaited us inside. I hadn't told them, either of them, exactly what I'd seen in the vision. Edward buying condoms. It was priceless, and I couldn't ruin the surprise.

"Come on," I said as I stepped out of the car.

"There are people in there. I know it's not a huge crowd since it's two in the morning, but still, there's no reason for me to go in. I don't want to tempt myself into making a mistake," Jasper explained. I knew it was difficult for him, being around people. But hardly anybody was here. I knew he could handle it. He shook his head and opted to stay in the car.

"Rosalie?" I waited for her to move.

"I am not shopping at Wal-Mart. I refuse to set foot in that store." She glared at me and added, "I can't believe you brought me here."

With a shrug, I headed into the store. The trick was to keep Edward from hearing my thoughts. I wanted to surprise him. He'd be distracted by the task at hand, so that would be in my favor. Of course, I had to find him, too. I found a cart inside the doorway and proceeded down the aisles. I'd have some fun shopping, too, although I wasn't sure what I would buy. I frowned as I pushed the cart. My shopping theme would be…orange. Anything orange.

I found some marvelous things in the outdoors department: a hunter's safety vest, a life jacket, and a large sports water cooler. In gardening, I saw some marigold seeds and some begonias. Electronics had the new CD of The Beatles, a modern remix, came in with orange cover, and of course, Kodak film. School supplies provided me with orange sharpies, highlighters, Crayola Crayons, computer paper, poster board, sticky notes and index cards. I also picked up some orange thumb tacks there. I saw some orange screwdrivers on display near some Ever-ready batteries, and dropped them both in the cart. A visit to the toy department garnered a basketball, an orange hula hoop, some silly string, and a puppet of Ernie from Sesame Street.

A woman in pajamas and bunny slippers neared. She smiled, then stared at the contents of my cart. She had two bundles of Tiger Lilies in the top of her cart. The only other things in it were cat food and men's socks. "Orange," she whispered as she picked one of them up. "You need these," she laughed as she handed me one of them and grinned.

She'd figured me out. I met her eyes and giggled sheepishly. She laughed, too. "Thanks," I said with a smile. We both continued out shopping.

I continued to pick up things from the household section, some Tide, some Lysol disinfectant and some Simply Orange cleaner. Then I started on the food. Cheetoz, Gold Fish, Doritos, apricot jam, canned pumpkin, oranges, carrots, Orange Crush, orange juice, orange Kool-Aid, orange wine coolers, orange pound cake, orange Jell-O, some KitKats, some Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, orange Tic Tacs, cheddar cheese, Stauffer's frozen dinners, orange sherbet, orange push-up pops, and some Dreamsicles. I never had any idea there were so many orange foods.

Now I'd have to hurry or my frozen foods would melt. Off to find my brothers…well, with maybe a short stop to pick up some orange lipstick and nail polish. I also found some self-tanner, which could prove interesting. And of course, some orange-flavored dental floss and a tube of orange-flavored toothpaste.

That would bring me to Edward and Emmett. Just as I'd seen it earlier.

"Oh, lover, this looks like a good one. It's studded. You'd like that, wouldn't you, baby?" Emmett asked coyly. Edward clenched his teeth as his body shook with anger. Clearly, Edward was livid.

Of course, the woman watching them didn't help matters. Occasionally, she muttered, "What a shame. What a damn shame," as she shook her head.

I pressed my lips together to keep from laughing. It really wouldn't take much to increase Edward's mortification. I knew exactly what to do. "Hi, boys. I knew I'd find you here. You guys notice anything that looks likes fun?"

Emmett gave me a huge grin. He was looking forward to this. Edward, on the other hand, glared at both of us.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

_Dedicated to the posters at the infamous Twilight Lexicon Vampire Mating thread._

_Thanks to GenealogyGirl and LakeGirl for their major contributions to this story. Also, thanks to Freesia. I'm not saying why to protect the innocent, but you can figure it out._

_And thanks to Alphie for all the encouragement and the beta-reading! You rock!_

Edward has some shopping that Alice can't help him with. Ever been to Wal-Mart at two a.m.?

**_Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers_**

_(AKA: Packaging Pastries)_

by silly bella

_Oh. My. God. Omigod! Oh my god._ That was Karyn. She appeared quite excited about Alice's arrival. Of course, that was probably because she thought the three of us were a ménàge à trios, and that meant Emmett and I were back up for grabs. _Maybe one of them is tired of sharing. It's just not fair to the rest of us for one woman to have two men that hot._ She grinned lasciviously at me as she grabbed her phone and hit redial.

Alice puckered her lips and blew a kiss my direction. She eyed the flavored condoms Emmett had handed me earlier. "You know, I saw some spaghetti-flavored condoms in the airport once. I wondered about that. How do you make condoms taste like spaghetti, and would it be like cold spaghetti or hot spaghetti? I mean, who eats cold spaghetti?"

"It probably depends on how hungry you are," Emmett responded absently. "Someone who's really hungry might."

"But would you chose it? Over other flavors? For something that was supposed to be enjoyable?"

The irony of two people who don't eat having this particular discussion seemed to escape them both. Meanwhile, Karyn was ecstatic. _Maybe they'd like a foursome?_ Emmett and Alice could hear her talking to her friend on the phone as well as I did. "You'll never believe it! The two of them are with a woman. I mean, like _with _a woman. I think it's a three-way. They are _all_ hot. I mean, hot enough that I'd do a four-way with them. Even the girl if it meant I got a chance with the guys. I don't care what they use the rattlesnake venom for." Alice rolled her eyes and glanced surreptitiously at Karyn.

I should have known that Alice would see this. And I should have known she'd never be content just watching it in a vision when she could come play with it in reality. I wondered if Emmett realized that he'd never be able to keep this a secret from Rosalie now. Alice would out both of us to everyone else.

_You should have asked me to come, Edward._Alice couldn't help rubbing it in. _All you had to do was ask me. You know I love to shop._

"What do you know about condoms, Alice?" I smirked. Probably about as much as I did. We'd been sitting through the same sex-ed classes for years.

She narrowed her eyes, "I know as much as you do."

I couldn't help laughing. "Then why would I need your help?" She frowned. I whispered, "At least Emmett was human when there were options besides lambskin." Not that he'd exhibited any real expertise here. He'd been almost as overwhelmed as I was.

Emmett's eyes strayed from the condom display. "Hey, check this out! Warming gel. Heats on contact. You don't even have to have the condoms for the warming gel! I am getting some of this." In a lower voice, he added, "You should buy some too. Bella might really appreciate it." He handed me one of the boxes.

Finally. Something informational. Bella probably would appreciate some warming gel. I wondered how long it worked and scanned the label. I wondered if it would work on someone as cold as me. It would help at least. Although it wasn't helping me right now. I fidgeted, unsuccessfully, as the mild throb became a more intense distraction. And a more noticeable one. Finally I resorted to the hand in the pocket again.

"How many of these could we go through at our house in a week?" Alice pointed toward the condoms and asked innocently but loudly enough for Karyn to hear.

Emmett snorted. "I'm not sure they have enough." Alice laughed.

_Oh, man! Those guys must have stamina! _Karyn was breathing fast.

Great, just great. Encourage the poor woman in her delusions.

"You know, men think about sex once every fifteen minutes, according to an article in the London Times. But in adolescent males, it's once every two minutes." Alice began rambling. She had something up her sleeve with this topic. I felt certain it would be at my expense, but she was working hard to hide her thoughts.

Emmett looked me in the eye. "Do you think about sex once every two minutes? I mean, you _are _seventeen."

I rolled my eyes. I was really starting to regret bringing him after all. He might have used condoms as a human, but apparently over the last seventy years there had been some innovations. Did I think about sex every two minutes? I thought about it a lot when I was around Bella. I couldn't help being attracted to her. I thought about it a lot when I was thinking about her. I thought about it a lot when I watched her sleep. Was it every two minutes? Did I really think like an adolescent boy? My body was currently behaving like one. I placed the mint condoms and the warming gel on the shelf. Both hands in my pockets. I might not be able to stop what I was feeling, but I could at least hide it.

Alice giggled. "I think _he's_ probably the reason it isn't a lot more often. Although I'd wager the rate has gone up in the past year." _I wonder how often Bella thinks about sex? There weren't any statistics on teenage girls in that article. And I know why you hve your hands in your pockets._

I glared at both of them until Karyn interrupted. "Can I help with anything? We never did come to a conclusion about that rattlesnake venom." She smiled. A much larger smile than was natural, showing off her whiter than humanly possible teeth. _Does he have a hard-on? _ "If you could tell me exactly how you plan to use that venom, I might be able to help you more."

Emmett burst out laughing and Alice gave me a perplexed glance. She mouthed, "Rattlesnake venom?" _What were you thinking?_

This was a total disaster. A nightmare. Worse than anything I'd even imagined. I wanted to bag my head through a wall, but the wall in question happened to be covered with condoms. At least it couldn't get any worse.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the authors. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

_Thanks to GenealogyGirl and LakeGirl for their major contributions to this story. And special thanks to Be My Escape and Bronzehairedgirl for the oomph. Dedicated to the posters at the infamous Twilight Lexicon Vampire Mating thread._

_And thanks to Alphie for all the encouragement and the beta-reading! You rock!_

Edward has some shopping that Alice can't help him with. Ever been to Wal-Mart at two a.m.?

**_Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers_**

_(AKA: Packaging Pastries)_

by silly bella

I was wrong. It _could_ get worse. Rosalie had arrived. I glared at Alice as Rosalie shouted above the random store noise, "Emmett? Why did Edward bring you here? I'm going to kill him! I can't believe Alice brought me to Wal-Mart. This isn't what I think of as shopping!"

Emmett's face crumpled. He slammed his head into his palm. Served him right. If he'd just focused instead of turning this into a joke we might be out of here by now.

As much noise as Rosalie made, it was Jasper who reached us first. "Edward, what's wrong?" His voice was filled with concern and he reached out to pat my shoulder reassuringly, easing some of my tension. He turned to Alice, who shifted her eyes sideways towards the condom display. Jasper lowered his head, trying to hide his laughter.

Karyn's mouth had dropped open. _Three guys? She has three guys? What's up with that? It's so not fair to the rest of us._

Alice gave Jasper a puzzled look. "I thought you decided to wait in the car."

"I came in to help Edward. He was sending out sheer panic and some other unpleasant emotional states. It was sort of self-defense. I couldn't take it anymore." Jasper caught my eye and shrugged.

"And Rosalie?" Alice asked, eyeing Emmett, who still stood to the side with his head still in his hands.

"I mentioned that Emmett was here and she flew into a tantrum. I never knew how much she hated Wal-Mart. What's up with that, Emmett?" Jasper asked.

Speak of the devil. Rosalie had found us.

"There you are. How on earth did Edward persuade you to come here? Why is he here?" Rosalie was in a fine rage. She diverted her attention from Emmett long enough to give me the once over. "Why are you standing there with your hands in your pockets? You look like a dork."

No, Emmett. Don't say. Please don't say it.

"Edward has a hard-on. He's trying to hide it," Emmett blurted out. All four of them laughed.

"Buying condoms gives him an erection?" She gave me her full attention. "What's wrong with you? We need to find you a girl. The right _kind _of girl."

This was not happening. As if my family weren't enough, Rosalie's display had attracted the few shoppers who were there in the wee morning hours. The woman with the bunny slippers peered around the corner of a shelf containing mouthwash, her eyes wide. The drunks had followed Rosalie, their thoughts all too clear, now. I wished for their earlier incoherence. Neither Rosalie nor Emmett would be happy to know what they were thinking. Several employees showed up, too. No doubt prepared to escort us out if need be. So much for being inconspicuous.

"Rose, it was my fault," Emmett interjected.

Rosalie frowned. "_You_ gave him an erection?"

How disturbing. It wouldn't be the first time Rosalie made that kind of comment to me, but I don't recall her ever saying anything like that to Emmett.

Of course, Emmett became defensive. "No! That's not what I meant. It was the mint flavored condoms. In case –"

Instinct kicked in. I'd hit him before I even realized I'd done it. But I'd stopped him from saying it. Emmett took the blow graciously. "Sorry, I wasn't thinking," he whispered. _I really am sorry. I know that's private. But when Rose gets mad…_

"Don't you apologize to him! He should apologize to you. He hit you. I don't care what you were about to say!" Then it struck her what he'd been about to say. She turned full on to me and shouted, "It isn't his fault if thinking about… that girl giving you oral sex gives you an erection!"

Karyn was completely confused for a moment. A brief moment. A very brief moment indeed. She did the math. As she watched Emmett soothe Rosalie's anger by tempting her with some warming gel and Jasper's arm slip around Alice's shoulders, she nailed me as the odd man out. Emmett was taken. Jasper was taken. I was on my own, and therefore, fair game. She smiled and winked at me.

I couldn't take any more of this. I'd be reliving this moment for weeks. Alice would probably even tell Bella about it. At least I could take my hand out of my pocket without worrying about being conspicuous. Not that it mattered any more.

Alice and Jasper dropped a couple of packages of warming gel into Alice's disturbingly orange-filled cart. He poked around the contents, snickering when he found the silly string. Emmett and Rosalie evaluated several brands of the gel, arguing about the finer points of each. She seemed to have forgiven him. I'd probably still catch hell from her later, though. Karyn was still babbling. I had to get out of here. Now. Emmett could ride home with the rest of them. I grabbed a selection of condoms without caring which ones I ended up with. I could contemplate the benefits of each later at home. As I started toward the front of the store, I snagged some of the warming gel as well. I don't think my siblings even noticed when I left.

The only person who really noticed was Karyn. She sighed sorrowfully as she watched me leave. _I could have made him so happy._

I made my way to the cashier as quickly as I could without causing suspicion and looked for the one register open. I tossed my selections on the counter and hoped she would work fast. I could hear her mind working furiously as she scanned each box. _Wow! That's a lot of condoms. Need or wishful thinking?_ She picked up a box labeled Titan-sized. She glanced up at me. _Need. Definitely need. He's beautiful. Although I wouldn't make him wear a condom. I'd let him ride bareback and hope I got pregnant._ I stared at her with terrified eyes, willing her to hurry. I couldn't get out of here fast enough. I felt like everyone in the store had witnessed my humiliation. Of course, anyone who hadn't seen it first hand would, no doubt, hear about it.

The cashier finally finished. I tossed some money on the counter, enough to cover the condoms and more, grabbed my bag and hurried away to the car. I could still hear my siblings inside.

"Where did Edward go?"

"Alice, I think something is melting in your cart."

"I still can't believe you let him bring you here."

"Rose, think what we can do with this!"

And then Emmett's thoughts about what they could do with the warming gel. My head sank onto the steering wheel. I was going to need Clorox to wash out my brain after that image. I sat up, took a deep breath and began to drive away. But I still hadn't escaped Karyn. As I navigated the parking lot, she came running out of the store, desperately searching for me. She saw the car. _Oh, man, check out the car. It's as hot as he is!_ As I pulled away, her voice rang in my ears. "Hey! Hey, you! Want my phone number?"

If the condoms worked, clearly, I'd have to find another place to buy them. Maybe Seattle next time? If not, there was always Las Vegas. Or Montana. Or… Montreal. Or Mexico City… Or London… Or Moscow... Or Hiroshima…


End file.
